How a Porn Addiction Can Impact Your Relationship: Thoughts From a Couples Therapist
Have you ever heard the Ted Talk “Everything you know about addiction is wrong”? If you haven’t please look it up after you’re done reading because this is the perspective I want to take with you when talking about pornography addiction. Here in Utah, we hold a lot of assumptions about pornography use that aren’t always helping and end up hurting us and the people we love. Everyone is permitted to have their own values and beliefs about pornography, and sometimes it can be helpful to be open to a different perspective. Pornography addiction requires connection and is able to grow in isolation and secrecy. There is a negative view of those who view pornography, and it’s accurate and really sad for me to think about.
There is a myth in Utah culture that anyone who views pornography has a “pornography addiction, " which is inaccurate. Statistics tell us that 100 percent of people will be exposed to pornography at some point in their lives. That means all of us will see it and some people will be exposed to it more than others and it doesn’t mean we all have an addiction to pornography. It also doesn’t mean because you’ve viewed it that you will become addicted. Pornography definitely CAN be addictive but attaching a label of an “addiction” to pornography use increases shame, and be damaging. You’re going to hurt your own feelings if find out your partner has viewed pornography, and you now think it’s an addiction. There is a difference between a pornography habit versus an addiction. There’s consistent debate about the difference between the two but let’s talk about the signs of real pornography addiction.
What are the porn addiction symptoms?
-Feeling powerless to stop viewing pornography even though you’ve tried to stop
-Having an increase in cravings to view more and more pornography
-Obsessively viewing pornography
-Escalation in the intensity of pornography viewed
-Increased depression, anxiety, and trouble focusing as a result of viewing
-Continuing to view despite the impact on well-being and relationships
What does it mean if my partner has a porn addiction?
If you find out your spouse or partner has a pornography problem, this may be painful to information to you. You may feel a mix of emotions: sadness, anger, confusion, and even betrayal and devastation. These are normal emotions to feel and they can feel like a lot all at once. It’s ok to feel however you feel, and your feelings are valid. It can be heartbreaking whatever way you found out your partner has been struggling with a pornography addiction. It can be painful if they were open with you and told you they are struggling with pornography or you happened upon the evidence they are struggling. You might be prone to think it’s because of you or something you aren’t doing but I assure you this is more complicated than that. It’s about how your partner is coping with stress, trauma, and emotions.
How do I help support my partner with a porn addiction?
The first thing to realize about your partner’s pornography addiction is that there's more to it than pornography. This might be a way they’ve learned to cope with their feelings, past experiences, and their stress. It’s also not as simple as abstaining from viewing it. Your partner is probably full of shame about their pornography struggles, and sometimes you may unknowingly reinforce the shame. It may be hard for you to be objective about your partner’s pornography addiction because of how it impacts you, and it’s ok to struggle with this. It can be both helpful to you and your partner for you to receive your own support through going to therapy. You don’t necessarily need to be your partner’s accountability partner or be the person they report to when they are in recovery. That may be a role better suited for someone else as it can contribute to greater pain for you.
If you are an LDS member you might struggle with this even more than someone that is not religious because of the view that pornography is a sin and requires repenting. You might feel the need to make sure your partner goes and talks to the bishop but something to remember is that a bishop is not a trained therapist. Pornography addiction requires help from a trained professional that specializes in pornography addiction treatment. A bishop can be a support person but they will not have all the tools to help someone recover from pornography addiction. It may also be helpful for you to try and view pornography addiction as a symptom before viewing it as a sin. Just like many other things people struggle with pornography use is a mental health concern and it needs to be treated as such. Utilizing your spiritual beliefs can be a helpful way of coping with the stress and pain of having a partner who is experiencing a pornography addiction but tries not to expect that this will be a cure for pornography addiction.
I want to emphasize that the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of your emotions and reactions to your partner’s pornography addiction. Attend to your needs and seek the support you need so you can show up for your partner the way you want to in your relationship.
Is a porn addiction something only men struggle with?
Another myth is that only men struggle with pornography addiction and have been stereotyped as solely a men’s issue. This can cause some difficulty when a woman is struggling with pornography because they feel like this is something they shouldn’t be dealing with because they are a woman. Over the past few years, there is a greater percentage of women reported viewing pornography, reading pornography, and searching for pornography. Pornography addiction is not just a men’s issue and impacts women as well.
How porn might impact your marriage
Pornography addiction will impact your marriage. That’s not the intention of someone viewing pornography, and when it does impact the relationship it feels awful for both partners. It’s important to first recognize how it is impacting your marriage in order to work on remedying it and making improvements.
Porn can impact the self-esteem of both partners
Pornography addiction impacts how both you and your partner feel about yourself. If you are the one struggling with pornography addiction you likely are struggling with your self-esteem, feel embarrassed and ashamed, and might wonder if something is wrong with you because you can’t just stop. If you are the partner of someone with a pornography addiction you might think it’s your fault, that you are unattractive or aren't good enough and that’s why your partner views pornography. I can’t speak for every marriage or relationship but pornography is often about a way of coping and has a significant impact on the brain and the hormones produced, and isn’t really about you not being enough. It’s hard to believe that when pornography addiction is involved in your marriage.
Porn impacts body image, especially in women
Although both men and women can struggle with pornography use, women are especially prone to struggle with negative body image due to their partner’s pornography use. If you are a woman, you might be prone to think that your partner is viewing pornography because your body isn’t attractive enough. Women may feel more insecure with their bodies, knowing their spouse or partner is viewing pornography. You may also compare your body to others or the type of body depicted in pornography. This results in a greater negative perception of your body as a result of pornography.
Porn addictions can impact sexual intimacy
Pornography use and addiction can alter the sex hormones, impact sexual arousal, and reduce the frequency of sex in a relationship. If you are the partner of someone that is struggling with a pornography addiction you may want to engage in sexual intimacy less because of how you are feeling about your partners addiction, your body image, and increased depression and isolation. All of this is a recipe for a lower sex drive for a couple. Pornography also alters the person’s perception of healthy sex as sex is not depicted accurately and healthily in pornography. Sex in a marriage may not be as gratifying as a result.
Porn can lead to a lack of trust in a relationship
A partner that is in a relationship with someone with a pornography addiction may struggle with trust. The viewing of pornography is done in secret which leads to secrecy in a relationship. Secrecy weakens the attachment bonds in a relationship. This secrecy makes the other spouse start to question things and feel more insecure in the relationship. Pornography is also secretive because the partner viewing also experiences shame because of their use. This shame leads to less communication and connection with their partner or spouse. If you are the spouse of someone with pornography addiction, you may mistrust when and how much they are viewing pornography, and mistrust their loyalty and fidelity to you. This is common in working with couples where pornography addiction is present. Building trust again after pornography addiction takes effort and work from both partners.
How can marriage counseling help with porn addiction?
Marriage counseling can be a helpful tool in pornography addiction recovery. As we discussed pornography impacts a relationship and in order to heal from its impact, a couple might benefit from going to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is an option along with individual counseling but won’t be sufficient alone to heal from the effects of pornography. Many people believe that pornography use is a result of a bad marriage but this is again another myth. Pornography addiction doesn’t simply go away if you go to marriage counseling but it definitely can help. It can help heal the hurt that pornography has caused, and be a space to have difficult conversations with someone that is trained to help you improve your marriage.
Begin working with a couples therapist to help with porn addiction located near Provo, Utah
You don’t have to let pornography use come between you and your partner. Marriage counseling can help you learn to have trust in your relationship again. This Utah County Counseling Center has a couples therapist specializing in marriage counseling. To begin counseling, follow these steps:
Sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation with Marcus Hunt
Complete online forms and schedule the first session with a relationship expert
Begin marriage counseling
Online Therapy in Utah
I realize it’s hard to find time in your busy schedule to attend marriage counseling. I also know how much of an impact marriage counseling can make, and it’s essential to get your relationship to the place you want it to be. I offer online therapy in Utah as a way to make it more convenient for you to come to therapy.
Online therapy also means I can help you wherever you are in the state of Utah, including Heber City, Cedar City, Logan, and St. George, Utah.
Other Mental Health Services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only mental health service offered at this Provo Area Counseling Center. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides include LDS marriage counseling, premarital counseling, therapy for men, anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, and PTSD treatment.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist located in Spanish Fork, Utah. Marcus received his Bachelor of Science in Behavior Science with an emphasis in Family Studies from Utah Valley University and received his Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Abilene Christian University. As a couples therapist, Marcus is passionate about working with couples who have experienced grief, trauma, and pornography addictions in their relationship. Marcus is an EMDR therapist and provides trauma therapy to men. Marcus believes strongly in power to help couples have the type of marriage they want to have despite the trauma, grief, and pornography they’ve experienced.