Is It Too Late For Marriage Counseling?
Many people when they are thinking about going to marriage counseling, they wonder if it’s too late for them to reach out for help. They wonder if their marriage or relationship is past the point of being salvaged. It’s not a good feeling to fear that the relationship you’re in is past the point of return. It’s discouraging and overwhelming.
As a marriage and family therapist, I never want anyone to believe their relationship cannot be saved. I want people to keep working on their marriage no matter how long they’ve been together. If both you and your partner want to work on your marriage then it’s not too late. It doesn’t mean that all marriages will be saved or that they should be saved. It does mean that if you’re open-minded and want to do the work, you will reap the benefits of having a healthy relationship.
I want to be honest with you about areas that are a concern for me when working with couples that give you less of a fighting chance of having a good relationship. John Gottman, a world-renowned couples therapist, founded The Gottman Insitute, and he can predict what qualities a couple has that will lead to divorce. You can read his books and visit his work to learn more about what that is. I want to share with you my own areas of concern and signs to look for in your relationship. These signs are areas in your relationship that are worth working on preventing.
If you aren’t willing to work on yourself
If there is any sign that couples therapy isn’t going to work it’s this one. If you are coming to couples therapy anticipating that the therapist or your partner is going to be the ones doing all the work, you will be disappointed. I am invested in the couples I work with but I will not be working harder than you are. It’s your relationship, and you have to really want it to work. It also means you have to be willing to look at the parts you are playing in the relationship and work on yourself. It might mean changing the way you communicate, learning to manage your own emotions, learning to validate, and being a better listener. You have to be willing to do the heavy lifting when you come to couples therapy.
You believe your partner is to blame for your relationship
If you think that going to couples therapy and the therapist is going to side with you against your partner, that won’t happen. As a couples therapist, it’s your relationship that is my client. That means recognizing how each of you plays your part in the relationship. If you are blaming your partner for the state of your relationship, I worry you aren’t going to be open to focusing on changing the relationship. Couples counseling is about working to change the relationship and not dwelling on blame. It does mean taking responsibility for what each partner contributes and working to change it.
You don’t believe in couples therapy or marriage counseling
Believe it or not, I have many people in my life that don’t believe in therapy. There’s not much help you can get from therapy if you don’t believe in it in the first place. If you don’t believe in therapy and don’t think it’s worth your time or money, it probably won’t be. Therapy requires hope and effort. If you don’t see it as worth your while then you’ll get what you pay for. There are plenty of people that aren’t sure if therapy will work but give it a shot anyway, and if that’s you that’s ok. Most of who I work with have some level of ambivalence if it will be helpful but they put in the work and find that they reap a lot of benefits.
You criticize and attack your partner
There are healthy ways to give feedback to your partner, and that’s not the same as criticizing. Criticism and attacks are aimed at your partner’s character and leave them helpless to do anything about this. Attacking and criticizing are painful and leave little opportunity for your partner to have anything to work on. It fuels shame and defensiveness and overall isn’t a great approach to have your needs met. It will lead to your partner not feeling enough and eventually they stop trying. Learning to communicate your needs in a healthy way is a much better approach.
You don’t respect or care about your partner
If you are in a place where you can’t see the good in your partner or give them respect, this is an extremely difficult place to come back from. It is a sign of deep hurt that’s led to disconnection and indifference. At the very least in order for a marriage or relationship to be successful, you need to have respect and care for the other person. If you can only see negative or you are hostile and angry, this is the time for you to work on yourself through individual therapy before you will be in a place to work with your partner.
It’s not too late for marriage counseling
There’s always hope that you can have the relationship you want if you and your partner will both do the work. If you have one foot already out of the relationship, couples therapy isn’t going to get you what you want. If you and your partner look at yourself as individuals and what you contribute to the relationship and do whatever it takes to change what you need to, you’ll get what you want. Marriage counseling is not for people on the brink of divorce. It’s for everyone that wants to have a better connection.
Begin Marriage Counseling in Utah today
If your relationship is struggling, I want to be able to help. Marriage counseling can help you feel happier in your marriage. This Utah County Counseling Clinic has a marriage therapist specializing in marriage counseling. To begin therapy, follow these steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with Marcus Hunt
Meet with a couples therapist
Begin marriage counseling
Online Therapy in Utah
I get that you have a busy schedule, children to raise, a job to get to, and many other things to attend to. Going to therapy isn’t the most convenient thing in the world. I can understand your hesitancy, but I also can get fired up about how incredible focusing on your marriage can be and how marriage counseling can be the thing that changes everything. Because I am passionate about getting the support and help you need, I offer online therapy in Utah.
Online therapy means you can connect face-to-face with a marriage therapist over a video chat. It also means we can work together wherever you’re in Utah, including Heber City, Cedar City, Logan, and St. George.
Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only service provided at this Provo Utah Area Counseling Clinic. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides include LDS marriage counseling, premarital counseling, therapy for men, anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, and PTSD treatment.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah County. Marcus received his bachelor’s in behavioral science from Utah Valley University and a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Marcus loves working with couples who are ready to dig in and work on themselves and their struggles. He believes that dedicated couples can have the type of marriage they want, and it’s not too late if you’re willing to do the work. Outside therapy, Marcus is chasing his Goldendoodle around Spanish Fork.