The Complete Guide to Saving Your Marriage
Are you feeling uncertain about the state of your marriage? It’s difficult to be in this position and to be questioning if your marriage is going to last and if there’s anything you can do to make it better. As a couples therapist, I want to help. Marriage counseling is the most valuable tool to offer struggling marriages. I also want to give you other practical insights and things you can try in the meantime. Before diving into the solutions, it's important to have an understanding of the challenges that commonly arise in marriages making them feel rocky. From communication breakdowns and trust issues to conflicts over finances and differences in values, we'll shed light on the underlying causes of marital distress, and what you can do about it.
How do you fix a struggling marriage?
In relationships, there are highs and lows. Getting through those lows can be painful and scary. As a couples therapist, I understand that there are happy times and difficult times in a marriage and I know the importance of seeking help when needed. Learning to trust again, getting the spark back, and finding ways to connect emotionally are so important in struggling marriages. Although every marriage is unique, there is always hope if both of you are willing to do what it takes to improve. Here are some areas to focus on when working to save a struggling marriage.
Identify Core Issues: Take a deep dive into the specific problems and challenges that affect your relationship—communication issues, trust concerns, financial stress, infidelity, or diverging values and goals. Both partners need to acknowledge these issues and commit to working on them.
Embrace Healthy Communication: Create a safe and open space where you can express your feelings, concerns, and needs. Effective communication involves active listening, empathy, and respect. Shift away from blame and criticism, and instead, focus on understanding each other's perspectives.
Seek Couples Counseling: Engage the expertise of a couples therapist or marriage counselor, who can provide a safe environment for challenging conversations and equip you with tools and insights to improve your relationship.
Embrace Change Together: Both partners must be willing to make changes and actively participate in the healing process. Remember, marriage counseling is about personal growth, not changing your spouse. Set goals together and channel your energy into positive transformations.
Heal Past Relationship Wounds: Past experiences may underlie current marital issues. Rebuilding trust requires time and consistent effort. Transparency, honesty, and follow-through on commitments are essential for restoring trust.
Explore Underlying Emotions: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an effective approach that addresses deeper emotions and attachment needs that drive conflicts and disconnection in marriage. Exploring and expressing emotions in a safe environment is crucial for repairing a struggling marriage.
Marriage counseling offers the necessary support and guidance throughout this challenging journey of healing and reconnection. Remember, with dedication, effort, and open communication, even the most struggling marriages can experience improvement. Together, let's uncover the path to a renewed and thriving relationship
Is it too late for marriage counseling?
As a marriage therapist, I understand the concerns people have when considering marriage counseling. They often wonder if it's too late to seek help and if their relationship can still be salvaged. However, I firmly believe that no relationship is beyond saving if both partners are willing to put in the work. It's important to remember that not all marriages will be saved or should be saved, but if you and your partner are open-minded and committed to the process, you can reap the benefits of a healthy relationship. In my experience, there are certain signs that may hinder progress, such as a lack of willingness to work on oneself, blaming the partner for relationship issues, disbelief in therapy, engaging in criticism and attacks, or lacking respect and care for the partner. However, it's never too late to start couples therapy if both partners are dedicated to change and are willing to view themselves as individuals contributing to the relationship. By putting in the necessary effort and taking responsibility for personal growth, it is possible to achieve the connection you desire. Remember, marriage counseling is not just for those on the verge of divorce, but for anyone seeking a stronger and more fulfilling bond.
Will marriage counseling save my marriage?
As a marriage therapist, I respect your autonomy in deciding the fate of your marriage. I won't push you toward divorce, but I also won't dismiss it as an option. In Utah, divorce is often seen as taboo due to religious beliefs and fear of judgment. It's important to acknowledge these fears and the complexity they bring. Divorce is not an easy way out; it is a challenging and heartbreaking process. Marriage therapy can help you explore if it's the right path, but ultimately, the decision rests with you.
Contrary to popular belief, my role as a marriage therapist is not to save your marriage. I'm here to help you develop a healthier relationship with effective communication and connection. However, I can't save your marriage if both partners aren't committed to it. Your commitment is the key to success. If one or both of you are already set on ending the relationship, marriage counseling is unlikely to salvage it. In such cases, the therapist ends up doing most of the work, which is not ideal. I prefer working alongside couples who are dedicated to the relationship.
Marriage counseling can save your marriage when both partners are fully invested. It is most effective when you both genuinely want to improve and are willing to make necessary changes. Success lies in acknowledging your own behaviors and working on them. Divorce is ultimately your decision to make.
At What Point Is a Marriage Not Worth Saving?
When facing the challenges and hardships of marriage, couples often question the health of their relationship and seek ways to strengthen it. Marriage counseling plays a critical role in such moments. However, there may come a time when the work and effort required to save a marriage may not be worth the emotional cost. While this is a deeply personal decision, here are some factors to consider:
Continuous abuse: If there is a pattern of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, prioritizing your safety and well-being may be necessary.
Lack of trust: Repeated breaches of trust can significantly damage the foundation of a relationship and may require professional guidance to rebuild.
Irreconcilable values or goals: Fundamental differences in values and goals can lead to ongoing conflict, making it challenging to find common ground.
Persistent unhappiness: Consistent feelings of unhappiness or emotional disconnection, despite efforts to address the issues, may indicate that the marriage is not meeting the needs of either partner.
Unwillingness to work on the relationship: Both partners need to be committed to making changes and seeking help for a marriage to have a chance at being salvaged.
Chronic infidelity: Repeated instances of infidelity can severely damage trust and emotional connection within a marriage.
Substance abuse or addiction: Untreated substance abuse or addiction can strain a marriage and hinder stability and well-being.
Continuous conflict and resentment: Unresolved issues, constant conflict, and deep-seated resentment can create a toxic environment that may be difficult to overcome.
Lack of emotional or physical intimacy: A consistent lack of emotional or physical connection, despite efforts to address the issue, can indicate an unfulfilling relationship.
Loss of mutual respect: Chronic disrespect, contempt, or demeaning behavior can erode the foundation of a healthy and supportive relationship.
What are the Biggest Signs Your Marriage Is Over?
While these signs indicate challenges, marriage counseling can provide support and solutions to rebuild a healthy relationship. It's important to remember that these signs do not automatically mean the relationship is irreparable. Seeking the assistance of a marriage counselor or therapist can provide a supportive and unbiased space to address these issues, explore potential solutions, and work toward rebuilding a healthy and fulfilling marriage.
Unhealthy communication
Emotional distance
Mistrust
Persistent & escalating conflicts
Lack of shared goals and values
Emotional or physical abuse
Indifference or apathy
Unfulfilled needs and unhappiness
Separate lives
Lack of intimacy
Contempt and disrespect
Financial conflicts
Loss of shared interests
Emotional infidelity
Lack of forgiveness
Withdrawal of affection and support
Loss of shared vision for the future
Escalating patterns of destructive behavior
Refusal to attend couples therapy
What Do I Have to Do to Save My Marriage?
Every marriage is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Tailor these ideas to your individual relationship and be open to adapting them as needed. With determination, understanding, and a willingness to work together, you can rebuild and strengthen your marriage. Even strong relationships can face challenges, but marriage counseling can provide the support you need. Here are some steps to help improve your marriage:
Improve communication: Listen actively and express your needs respectfully, focusing on finding solutions together. You may not realize the way you are communicating with your spouse is ineffective.
Consider couples counseling: A trained couples therapist can make a world of difference in your relationship. Couples counseling is a safe place to be able to have difficult conversations, learn more skills, and work through past painful issues that may be impacting your marriage.
Prioritize quality time: Plan regular activities and date nights to reconnect and nurture your emotional bond. Find opportunities to put aside distractions and be present with each other.
Show appreciation: It’s easy to assume your spouse knows you’re grateful for what they do but they might not hear it as much as they need to. Express gratitude and acknowledge your partner's positive qualities to create a supportive atmosphere.
Address unresolved issues: Be open to calmly discussing conflicts with a couples therapist, seeking compromise and mutually agreeable solutions. Couples counseling is a place to be able to work through these issues without always going back to your old ways of doing things.
Work on self-improvement: Reflect on personal growth areas that can positively impact the relationship. It’s not just your spouse that needs to change. You need to implement changes into your life as well. The quote says “it takes two to tango” for good reason.
Cultivate intimacy: Rediscover romance through shared activities, new experiences, and quality alone time. It’s not too late to work on creating romance with your spouse.
Be patient and committed: Rebuilding takes time. Your relationship didn’t start to struggle overnight and it will take time to get it not only back to where it was before but to get it even better. Stay dedicated and understand that positive changes may take time.
Remember to consider your unique circumstances, and seek professional guidance for unresolvable issues or if your partner is unwilling to participate.
Begin marriage counseling in Utah today
If you're ready to take the next step in rebuilding and strengthening your marriage, consider beginning marriage counseling in Utah today. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and a commitment to the well-being of your relationship. To begin couples counseling follow the steps below:
1 Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation
2. Meet with a marriage therapist
3. Start improving your relationship